I’m a heavy drinker

When I was a newspaper editor, I often heard all sorts of tidbits of news, gossip, hearsay and stories of yesterday. Some of it serious. Some of it funny. Just about all of it was interesting.

Clay County, the county in which I lived and worked, is a dry county. Yet, I heard quite a bit about how many people drink in the county. Most of the time it was said with a smirk or a giggle.

It’s not uncommon to find dry counties in the South. Maybe elsewhere, but I don’t know about that. But I find it funny that places are called “dry.” It’s almost as if folks have outlawed water. What’s the reasoning behind calling a place “dry” because of alcoholic drink? Shouldn’t we say parched? “Hey, I live in a parched county” makes more sense to me because when you really need a drink, your throat becomes parched.

Or, we could just simply say thirsty. I know that when I want a drink, I say I’m thirsty…not dry.

Ol’ Ramblin has been known to hit the hard stuff every now and again. Hard to believe, ain’t it?

But it’s true. Yes, not long ago I really needed a drink. I wasn’t dry, I was thirsty. So, I went to Fred’s—they didn’t have any. Went to the dollar store—they didn’t carry it. I finally found it…

I mean, when you are desperate for a coke, you gotta have a coke.

I’m such a heavy drinker, that I won’t allow myself a coke until 10 a.m. But lookout, by noon, I’ve already had my fair share.

And because I’m watching my girlish figure, I drink the diet stuff. Although, I think I read somewhere that the diet stuff eats away at your brain cells. I know some of you are thinking that explains everything. Not funny.

And when I want a Coke, I want a Coke.

Not Pepsi.

I never understood why Pepsi was the main drink in Piggott?

They’re helping the Mormons rake in a lot of money. That’s not a stab at the Mormons—they own a large share of Pepsi’s stock (last I heard a few years ago, they were majority stock holders—that may have changed, I’m not sure). Hey, the Mormons are the fastest growing denomination in North America. I’ve always said if the other protestant religions were as aggressive at spreading the gospel as the Mormons, we’d have the entire U.S. converted. Heck, we’d be standing at the Mexican border handing out tracks as the swarms of illegal aliens zigzagged and dodged the Minuteman border patrol. (BJ and I love the “mormon movies,” too…but that’s another blog for another day)

Coke is more of a Southern thing than Pepsi. And don’t try to argue with me. Pick up any good southern dialect book you’ll find that Coke is a generic term. There is Coke Coke, Mt. Dew Coke, Sprite Coke and yes, even Pepsi Coke. Good Southerners use the term in the generic sense. If I ask you if you’d like me to get you a Coke, I’d expect your reply to be “sure, I’ll take a __(fill in the blank with your favorite cola beverage).

It’s Coke, not soda.

And it’s soda (so-duh) not sodi (so-dee).



Filed under Columns

2 responses to “I’m a heavy drinker

  1. ant'ny

    I remember the first time a friend of mine from NC talked about a “grape Coke.” I had never heard of such a brand. She, in turn, couldn’t believe I’d never tried one. So, off to the 7-11 we went, where she proceeded to pull out a bottle of grape soda, NOT bottled by the Coca-Cola bottling company. I fell in love with the South on that very day.

    But the LDS/Pepsi (and Coke) tales are just urban legends. You got fished in on that one, m’man. 😉

  2. Peggy Johnson

    I’m a Clay County diet Coke woman myself. Pepsi’s are too sweet, but that’s my second choice. I read that your daughter is going to sing Saturday. That right? I guess that means you’ll be visiting the dry county again.

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