Aging is one of those things that each of us hopes we continue to do for a while yet to come. Even those we might consider to be “elderly” would like to see that next birthday. After all, even the old want to keep getting older.

I have this theory – okay it’s not mine, but he’s not around to contradict me, so I’ll claim it as mine for now – that the reason life seems to pass us by faster and faster is a reason of relativity.

It works something like this: when you’re ten years old, one year is a full tenth of your life. That’s a long time – you’ve only had ten up until that point. Heck, sitting in the principal’s office seemed to take hours and hours and hours.

But when you’re 40, a year is only one-fortieth of your life. Hey, you’ve had 39 others, one isn’t such a big deal.

Think of it this way: If you have ten minutes to accomplish a task, one of those minutes is a huge chunk of the whole. But if you have 40 minutes to accomplish a task, one minute isn’t that long by comparison.

So it goes with age—at least that’s my theory.

But aging brings with it a lot of surprises.

Boys have that very awkward part of their life when their voice changes. What a horrible time. Puberty is that time in a boy’s life when he so desperately wants to be a man, but his voice keeps squeaking like a little girl—and there’s nothing he can do about it.

And while we go through the whole high school graduation thing, the next real age related event is metabolism. The youthful metabolism we once had, stops.

Mine stopped at 25.
I heard it.
Like a car squealing tires at a stop sign (stopping, not starting). At one point in time, I could eat pretty much anything I wanted…twice…and not gain weight. In fact, while in high school, I tried to gain weight while I was on the football team. Tried! I’d eat nearly a pint of ice cream and a Snicker’s bar every night just before bed. (What was I thinking?) Then I’d eat/drink those nasty protein shakes in the morning.

Now, however, I can just look at a Snicker’s bar and gain five pounds.

Then, from age 25 to 40, it’s the weight struggle. How to keep it off. As Southerners, we have a tougher struggle than the rest of the U.S. Two reasons: 1)we like to eat; 2)our food is better than anyone else’s. Even though television shows always feature some Italian or Japanese chefs, the South reigns supreme for all around cooking. It’s difficult to find really bad food in the South. Possible, sure, but difficult.

At 40, it all begins to turn North (or go sour, however you want to say it). I nearly fought my hair-stylist the first time I realized she was cutting my eyebrows. Some start going bald—or have already started. Some struggle with those nasty-looking nose-hairs. I’ve heard stories of men growing them out and combing then into their mustache to try to make them unnoticeable.

For me it was ear hair. Where the heck did that come from? Why in the world did hair start growing out of my eardrums? Should I shave them? Am I supposed to pluck them? Ouch. Should I try to sneak my wife’s Nair and rub it on and in my ears? What is the purpose for those nasty looking hairs anyway?

I wonder somewhat if it coincides with hearing loss as doctors have said I have some hearing loss on top of tintinitus, that irritating ringing in the ears. But that only recently.

I speak from a man’s perspective, of course, but I know women experience similar things. Regardless, the older you get, the faster those birthdays seem to come around!



Filed under Columns

2 responses to “Aging

  1. BJ

    Ok…let me set the record straight. I do not use Nair.

    I love you sweetie!

  2. clayton

    AAAHHHHHHH!!! the inevitable, beats the alternative hands down. Having experienced the miracle of life this week somehow puts this aging into perspective. They don’t stay little long. We wouldn’t want it any other way either. My philosophy: Enjoy the moment!! they pass by too quickly. Simple pleasures of years gone by seem to haunt my memory from time to time. Why don’t we swing more?? Why don’t we buy popsicles from the ice cream truck?? Hum….great minds have long searched for these answers, and it comes down to the fact that we’ve “grown” up. I say, find an age you like and stick with it!” I’ll stay 15. Sure the voice squeaks BUT, there’s much JOY in life. SEE YOU ON THE PLAYGROUND!!!
    P.S. we didn’t have video games when I was growing up!! We played outside – ALOT!

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